Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.