Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.