starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Damn what did I do next
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?