The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Nice try, NASA
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.