Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Haha! 😂
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.