You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You Might Also Like
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.