My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?