[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
😂😂
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.