Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules