Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me