Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
You Might Also Like
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite