Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Saturday
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
12653.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.