When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
You Might Also Like
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop