me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory