obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.