It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Well, this explains it:
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die