Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
You Might Also Like
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
a badder mouse
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious