“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
he chose this
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
you have three unread messages
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
The Weeknd is back
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings