I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
You Might Also Like
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I had to Stop for this
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
who did the taste test?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.