I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.