Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Holy moly
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Best table by far
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after