A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You Might Also Like
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.