I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My dad.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You can’t outrun your problems…
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.