Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Mornin
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago