Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
How I like cutting carbs
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: