Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
welp
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two