TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.