Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
You Might Also Like
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA