3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.