Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
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Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.