Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
You Might Also Like
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
How about daylight saves us for once
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta