I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?