You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.