*aggressively waits in line*
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Coffee for people with no kids
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
incredible
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’