I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.