Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
You Might Also Like
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
lost dog
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.