“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
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Batman v Dracula
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.