Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker