Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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why no one uses midhusbands
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.