It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You Might Also Like
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.