Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Always 🥴
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Would you wear it?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’