Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat