My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING