Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”