If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?