I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Finally!
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
oh u like geography? name every lake
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator