My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
There’s never enough good news
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?