Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I think I’ll stand
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.