I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.