If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
The struggle is real
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.